http://www.kindlejoy.com/groups/show/282 Recent Prayers en-us Prayer Dear Jesus... I want to tell you about a guy I'm deeply into. I'm sure you know him already because afterall, you know everything. He's intelligent...mysterious and caring with a BIG heart....and he loves me - or used to....or, I don't know. All I know is I dont want to let him go....Things are real weird as of late. When will I finally be able to breathe? Holding my breath all these years...walking on eggshells. And no one seems to care/understand fully... :'( I just want to be content and feel like I'm not here on earth to cause trouble. I'm intent on speaking to someone about what I've been semi-secretly going through...on an extensive level. There are areas of my heart that I have sealed off like a crime scene....yellow tape all over the place and I've not allowed anyone to examine the scene of the crime - not even you. I say, "Stay back....it hurts too much." The past is so much apart of me...old habits die hard but I hope to change that... Jesus, he's wonderful! A gift so splended could only come from You...am I wrong? If so, where is the middle ground?....what are you trying to instill within me? I apologize for questioning you...I just have a lot of questions but haven't a clue what to do with myself. I don't understand my mind...nor my body. They often desire opposite things...all the hurt inflicted on me in the past is now being transferred and is effecting my relationships presently...I'm doing the hurting this time. I thought to get help when it was still fairly new...but I was young and scared. I mighta been a better person today had I done so...but I thank you for every experience. You know why it happend because you know everything. You know me better than I do. Please restore my self-worth....continue giving me reasons to fight. Help me to wholeheartedly forgive my abusers. Sexuality is such a touchy subject...but nothing is off limits with you - thank God for that. This beautiful and pure thing that was created to share in a healthly manner - whether intercourse or simple intimacy - completely and utterly ruined! Battered...stained. Hear me...restore my state of my mind that I may accept and accept only that which is healthy and merited....*sigh*....you heard my pleas.....even when no one was there to hear my screams of terror....you heard me....as I went unrescued in his "care" - ravaging and defiling my innocence as well as my body....*SNIF* I get angry sometimes....but you know all things....I trust you. I could trust you more I know that. But I do trust you....in actuality, YOU are all the "man" I ever need...I need you...but I need him too...please attend to the this matter of my heart. I've addressed the heart of the matter: show me where to start in Your Matchless Name I pray, Amen. Fri, 17 Oct 2008 15:15:06 +0000 http://www.kindlejoy.com/prayers/show/270 http://www.kindlejoy.com/prayers/show/270 Prayer Lord...I know he thinks I shouldn't even be here...he's probally right. You know everything...and because you know everything, you know my heart. Lord, please speak to Richie....why is it that everything is so damaging for me? Particularly pertaining to those I claim to love...I pray as time goes on you reveal yourself to me. You are love...so reveal love. Importantly, reveal my endeavor to Richie not at a means to spite him, emotionally torment or confuse him, but a means to an end: THE END OF AN ERA - the reign of satan in my life! I keep calling on you to make things right...I keep crying out to you to see me...and I know you hear me. Lord...I can't live without this man....I know not of any middle raod. On either end I feel conviction. If I side with family, I feel I should remain with him and when I'm with him, I feel like I'm doing something wrong....*snif*...its not fair...its not fair to him...he's such a good man...a VERY good man...complete with qualities any woman would adore BUT I don't deserve them...I have work to do. I'd have to earn it. Love is a free gift yes, but gifts also must be maintained...taken care of. Not cast away, collecting dust on the shelf. My heart still beats in the blackness of my plight...I never wanted to hurt him...*snif*...Jesus, you know....you know everything....what do I do? Day and night, I consult....and consult....and consult...and when I feel confident enough to carry through with something, it becomes something else....I feel like dying! How is someone yours and not yours at the same time?...Lord, make me strong...I know what I want to do...I wish I could do them but there is too much conflict...too many chances for others to come in and put out the fire I have been trying to start for almost 3 years...Lord, forgive me of all the atrocities I have commited against this dear man...please let him know I never meant to hurt him. I only wanted to love him...and I couldn't even do that...I wasn't "free" to do that in my heart. Release...revive, restore...speaking with you, servant to master...I profess and proclaim that I love him. I may not have told him consisly but its because I love him that I wish to be better/do better....Lord...help him see that...please? Please...I don't want talk of fancy dinners, escapades out of town, "getaways", money...all the things that have been offered to me by other men as of late...truthfully...deep, deep down...I just want him. He is upset...and hurt...and I'm shamed...and saddend. I can't eat...I can't function. LORD SAVE ME FROM ANOTHER HOSPITOL VISIT....we haven't the money for that...I've been trying to make things work...they haven't been....I don't want to be loved by anyone else...I want to be the one...I can't stand the thought of him being loved by someone else...as incapable as I feel so please, HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Give me a revelation......help me.... :'(................... Fri, 17 Oct 2008 15:15:06 +0000 http://www.kindlejoy.com/prayers/show/266 http://www.kindlejoy.com/prayers/show/266 Prayer You already know what it is I am about to say...I'd say it, but I feel like I'm bothering you...or that You're sick of me. I know You're never too busy for me. Truthfully, I'm trying to explain, but the words won't come out....and since they're not coming out...I'll stop right here. Thanks for listening anyway...thats what I love about You. Fri, 17 Oct 2008 15:15:06 +0000 http://www.kindlejoy.com/prayers/show/227 http://www.kindlejoy.com/prayers/show/227 Prayer Dear Lord...I really do feel like a lost child in a department store yelling, "MOMMY!" You would think with all the people telling what to do and what not to do I'd know what on earth I was doing: WRONG. I've never been more confused...never been more lost. I'M NOT A CHILD BUT I'M TREATED AS ONE. I know what Your word says...I know my possibilites are endless but why can't I rise above it all? Why am I so prone to trouble? Why can't I put my past behind me? Why can't I rejoice fully in myself...and love myself for being myself? Lord, You are love...Lord, You are light. Shine both in my direction. This is not to say you haven't or you don't....I feel like my feet have been removed for a long time. What good is solid foundation if you've nothing to stand on it with? I get it....I hear You. I sometimes feel you...but why am I struggling with past offenses...? Why have I allowed the past to summerize and in some ways define me? The devil is a liar...I don't fancy him too much but often times, I feel like his best friend. I just don't know anymore, Lord...you've sent people in my life to help me...to love me...and for whatever reason I can't fully recieve - or even understand. So where am I? What am I doing? Where am I going? When am I going to cease being afraid of stepping on people's toes? You know me, Lord...I don't like conflict. Though there are some things I can't avoid...*SIGH*...I don't understand much of the confines that have been laid out for me...I pray someday I see the purpose - the meaning of it all: the heart of the matter in Jesus' Name I pray. Amen.... Fri, 17 Oct 2008 15:15:06 +0000 http://www.kindlejoy.com/prayers/show/223 http://www.kindlejoy.com/prayers/show/223